Giving it all to Him

This is one of my favorite pictures of Lucy.  She was two when this was taken by my friend, Julie Torregrossa.  Her eyes just pop out of the picture. 

I miss those eyes right now.  While she is awake her eyes are just hollow.  I know she is just living through the pain, but its hard to watch.  As her mom I just want to take it all away.  I have told several people that if I could jump out off this high rise to take this all away from Lucy I would.  You wouldn't be able to push me out fast enough.  But I can't, so I will just be by her side, holding her hand the whole time.

Those that know me can attest to the fact that I am an uptight, type-A personality.  I love order, structure and I like my life on a schedule.  My blackberry calendar is my best friend.  I like routines and rules.  All that has flown out of the window since last Wednesday.  I feels as if I am living in some kind of sick, twisted dream.  I'm functioning by living outside my mind.  I know that one day it is all going to sink in and hit me like a wrecking ball.  But right now we are just surviving.  One moment at a time.  And it sucks, to be perfectly honest.

I want someone to come in with an excel spreadsheet that tells me what time on what day Lucy is going to sit up in bed and want to play the Wii.  I need to know the exact order of physical therapy that will have her walking again.  And I really, really need to know what steps we are going to follow in a perfectly laid-out, fail-proof plan that will let me take my baby home cancer free.  But that's not happening.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to make any of that happen. 

I am living in the minute.  Whether this minute is a good one, a bad one or down right nasty one I just have to take them as they come.  One minute I'm cheering for a victory and the next thing you know I'm sobbing like a baby as I watch my little girl fight for her life.  It's not a fun place to be.  It's not a life I want to get used to either.  But's it my new reality and I have to make it work. 

That's where God comes in.  Because I sure can't do it myself.  The Bible is clear about 2 things that have really hit home with me these past few day.  Matthew 6:34 tells us to "not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will take care of itself.  Each day has enough trouble of it's own." And while that verse is so true, I like the promise and peace that this one brings:

"God is my helper.  The Lord is the Sustainer of my soul."    Psalms 54:4

And that's good enough for me right now. 

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