First of all, I must preface this post by saying I don't ever intend on this blog being anthing more than a journal for my family. I am extremely humbled by the number of people who care about my precious Lucy and want to keep up with her struggle. With that being said, I often have a random post in which I spend a little time reflecting on my thoughts. If you were to scroll back through previous posts you would see several in which I had spent time contemplating life. Tonight, at 11:52 pm, sitting on a hosptial bed I am having one of those moments. As I try to wrangle the emotional tsunami hitting my head and heart everyday I have been burdened by a conversation Erik and I had last Monday night.
***This should in NO way be construed as a sermon or Biblically based philosophy. Take it at face value--rantings from a mom who is trying to get a grasp on reality.***
We had driven to Memphis to take Lucy to the night clinic because she was screaming with stomach pain and had started walking funny. It was a short check up that had us going back home a few hours later. On the way home we started talking about prayer. I have absolutely no recollection of how we got on the topic. We began to talk about prayer and why we even have to do it. We spoke openly about how God knew what would happen to each of us in each instance in life long before we were created. So, naturally, I think its fair to ask why would I even pray for something because God's going to do what he wants to do anyway. Does that make sense? You can spend hours, day, weeks, even months praying for specific things like healing, understanding or certain outcomes to various situations in life. But really, God already has his plan laid out.
So we talked about scripture and what it tells us about praying. It tells us to pray without ceasing, pray in ALL things, pray and believe. There are many scriptures dictating that God wants us to pray. But aside from that here are some things I've figured out about prayer. First, as soon as I begin to pray my body and mind relaxes. It's amazing the peace I being to feel almost immediately. Secondly, your burdens are lifted and your load is less once you pray. God takes it from you and carries it for you. Thirdly, I've learned that each time I pray my faith is renewed. This week I've often felt very hopeless, betrayed, angry or alone. But after spending some time in prayer I always get a renewed energy to deal with this horrible nightmare. All of these things may sound simplistic to you, but they have proven to be real to me throughout life and especially now.
Someone quoted Erik and I Proverbs 15:29 the other night. "The prayers of the righteous will be heard." Erik's immediate response was "I hope someone I know is righteous." Then my dad hit me hard with the response "we are made righteous through Christ." (1 Cor 1:30). I may be made righteous but I sure am undeserving. I am accutely aware of the fact that most of the time my sin keeps me from even coming to his throne to pray, much less deserving of an answer.
But the bottom line is that we ultimately decided that the real reason, and the only reason, we pray is simply because that is what God wants us to do. I cling to the fact that I pray in faith. Faith is a huge component of my life. It is the imbodiment of what I am. And if I look back on situations in my life in which I prayed fervently for something and did not receive it I was often 1. better off without it or 2. totally blessed by the understanding of God's "no" answer.
I have no guarantee that God will heal Lucy. I sure wish I did! But I am choosing to pray with full faith and believe that He will. And if he has ordained, long before Lucy was created, to answer my prayer with a "no" I will then start praying that God would give me understanding and acceptance. I guess that's easy to say now but I would like to think that would be the case.
Someone brought Lucy a little plate that is hanging on her door. It says "If you have faith you have hope and if you have hope you have everything
I found this page
and thought it was insightful. I have not read any of the other parts of the website but I liked the verses it quoted for prayer.
**while you are praying please add a 4 year old little girl I met tonight named Hayleigh and her mom. They are from Orlando, here all alone, battling a reoccurance of Medulloblastoma. Her mother seemed very hopeless tonight when I spoke with her. I hope to spend some time with them tomorrow. We will be undergoing the exact Cranial-Spinal radiation and chemo starting next week at St. Jude."***