**This post is for me.  Please do not comment if you are going to tell me how selfish I am or how much I should really be grateful for.  I am having a minor pity party and quite honestly I feel as if I am entitled.  If you don't want to hear it, please stop reading now.***

This is hard for me to say outloud, so I am hoping that writing it will help me process it a little better.  Even now, my mind is racing with so many thoughts that I can hardly pray.  I hope God will hear my heart through this post.  I have had Jack and Ella most of the morning by myself here in this apartment.  It's been a struggle to be honest.  No one has "their space" here so I have spent most of my time keeping Jack out of the toilet, the cabinets or out of the girls' stuff.  Ella is itching to get downstairs to the library and I just want to take a shower.  Lucy and Erik are at the Jude right now having her blood drawn, getting her G-CSF shot and meeting with the weekend on-call doctor.  (All of which were great, btw.  ANC is spiking right now due to the G shots.  It will get really high over the next 2 days and then should start to plumet almost instantly.)

Eventually, Ella, Jack and I made it downstairs to the library and great room.  Jack was exhausted (because he woke up 4 times last night) and is having a hard time sleeping in his borrowed crib. I have put him down for 3 naps today, only to have him wake up 20 minutes later.  When Erik and Lucy got back I brought everyone up to put Jack down for another nap.  While Erik was doing laundry down the hall, Lucy started vomiting, Jack was screaming to be picked up and I was fighting back tears.  That's when it hit me.  I just can't do this the way I had hoped. 

I'm notorious for building things up in my head and dreaming of a perfect scenario, only to have reality smack me back down to earth with a loud "thud."  It hurts sometimes.  Mostly my feelings.  Today was one of those days.  I had big plans to keep Jack with me during the week.  He could go to her doctor appointments with us and then we would come back and hang out in the apartment.  Ugh...not so much.  Here are the scenarios that make this almost impossible:

-Lucy starts vomiting and he is playing in the toilet or needs to be gotten out of his crib.
-We go to the doctor for a "quick" check up and she is running a fever.  Immediate admission to the hospital  to the BMT floor, where Jack is not allowed.
-We go to the doctor for a blood draw and her platelets or blood is low.  She will then get a transfusion that will take 4-5 hours.  Can you imagine keeping Jack content for that long? 

Ok, so you get my drift?  Man.  This stinks.  I just want my family together.  But the reality is that I have a sick child who demands and deserves my undivided attention.  I pray to God everyday with such intense fervor that He is healing my child.  I know He is, and I can hold on to the hope that in 4 months this will all be over and we will go back to a normal life.  A life that includes all 5 family members sleeping under one roof in our home sweet home.  I can not be the caregiver that Lucy needs if my attention is divided between all three children every day. 

So I will count on my wonderful family and friends who will work diligently to make sure that I get to see my children each and every day possible.  Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa and other friends...THANK YOU!  I wouldn't be able to make it through this without you all.  My hope is that when Lucy is up to it, someone will bring the kids down at least every other afternoon to visit.  Even if I can get my hands on them for a few hours at a time I think it will help fill that void of not being there all the time. 

As I've said before everyone has their cross to bear.  Everyone here misses their families.  And just because I should be "just so happy" that mine is only an hour away, that doesn't always make it easier.  I'm still a mom and I miss my children.  I'm still a mom and I want to have my family whole again. 

I'm just a mom, not super woman. 

post signature