Last Chemo

Well, its done.  One of our favorite nurses, Ramelle, just took down our last bag of Cyclophosphomide.  I sure thought I would be more excited than I am.  But it's hard to be too thrilled when Lucy has vomitted too much this morning and is too tired to get out of bed.  I'm trying to put things into perspective but I think I'm just a little numb.  My friend Amanda said today that it probably wouldn't really hit me until they take her line out, or her hair starts coming back, or she walks in the door of TCA with Mrs. Crystal holding her hand and I have to drive away.  Right now, I am just numb.

I know I should be so happy and excited.  But I'm not.  My chest is tight, my stomach is in knots.  Honestly, I am scared to death.  I have prayed for peace, and will continue to, but right now it is not coming.  I feel like my tiny grasp of control over Lucy's cancer is being ripped from my hands.  This is the part where I have to put my words into action.  My words of faith and trust.  Those things are easy to write about but so hard to put into action.  Walking away from this hospital will be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. 

Today Lucy did OT, then school, then PT all back to back.  She was exhausted but pushed through.  She even had to stop to vomit between her coloring page and writing page.  How many children do that in a day?  None should have to, that's for sure.  She is restless this afternoon and her mouth hurts.  We have made it thus far without those nasty mouth sores we were warned about.  I am praying hard she doesn't get them now.  The vomitting just makes things worse day by day. wow!  The last hour has been crazy.  The mouth pain just intensified to a point of screaming.  It was awful.  After codeine, benadryl, morphine and phenergen she is now sleeping.  And you know what stinks?  I have to wake her up an hour to pee.  That is why I can't be excited about that last bad of chemo.  It doesn't all just end when they take the bag down.  We still have such a long way to go. 

Thank you all for your continued prayers. 

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