Fall Fun

We had a crazy busy weekend, but it was great.  Friday night I went to Memphis with 2 friends for a nice evening of girl time and a great dinner!  It was so hard to leave the house, but it was so great to have some time for myself.  Saturday morning came early with Ella playing in a double-header soccer game.  Saturday evening we all (minus Jack) went to a Halloween party at one of Ella's classmates house.  It was a blast and we all got in the costume spirit!

(Me and my friend Amber)

Sunday night Erik and I surprised Ella with tickets to go see Taylor Swift in concert.  She was so excited and felt like such a "big" girl.  We went with Amanda, Gracen, Leigh and Maddie.  The three girls were so sweet and acted so grown up.  We went to dinner at The Majestic Grille and then walked down Beale Street on our way to the Forum. 

 (We ran into Ella James at the concert and Ella was pumped!)

I don't have a lot of pictures of Lucy from this weekend.  Mainly because she spent a lot of time on the couch.  She was really fatigued and quite honestly didn't have the desire to do much of anything.  When we went to St. Jude on Sunday we found out that her ANC and platelets had plummeted since Thursday.  She got a platelet transfusion and today we found out that her hemoglobin was 3/10th of a point away from critical.  No wonder she feels so crappy. 

The physical therapist told me today that after observing Lucy for the first time in almost 2 weeks, that she has developed pretty significant foot drop in both feet.  I am pretty upset about it, but I know that with hard work and time she will overcome yet another obstacle.  If she has not improved any in about a week or so she will likely be fitted for foot braces.  She will hate wearing them, but they will be necessary to keep her safe and keep her from falling.  The foot drop will only make her balance issues worse.  

I had a rough day Sunday.  Erik and Ella took Lucy to the hospital in the morning and Jack and I were alone at home.  When he took his nap, I cried.  A lot.  Being alone in my house with my thoughts was not something I was really prepared for.  I have always been a worrier and have allowed myself to sometimes go "where I shouldn't" with crazy thoughts about harm coming to my children.  I guess most mothers have those fears.  But for me, those worst case scenarios are no longer just fleeting thoughts.  They are my new reality.  They could actually happen.  At one point in my crying I literally cried out to God, "please don't take my children from me."  I know it was a selfish prayer, but it was all I could muster.  God knew what was in my heart anyway.  There was no reason not to speak it. 

I guess I will struggle with fear of the unknown and fear of the future for the rest of my life.  I hate that part about my future, but I will gladly take the anxiety, fear and uncertainty for one more day with each of my beautiful children. 

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