Its All Around

Is it just me or does it seems as if tragedy is all around us these days?  I have had the same conversation with Erik and with my sister this week.  Is it because we are older and more aware of the situations around us, or is it truly just a period of time in which tragedy seems to abound?  I'm not sure what the answer is but I've reached my capacity for all of it.  I am tired.  I really am.  I have cried more this weekend than I have in a while.  As I sit here writing I have to be honest and say that I'm pretty angry.

I just got a report on the Duncan family and it's not so great.  I don't know all the details, but I do know that this family needs all the prayers you guys can send up for them.  There has also been a fund set up for the family.  It's the Frank and Patrick Duncan Healing Fund.  I pray that you will consider donating, as this family will have a mountain of medical bills and other financial issues to resolve after this initial horror is over.

You can donate at any Triumph Bank in the Memphis are.  The locations and phone numbers are below:

5699 Poplar Avenue
Memphis, TN 38119
7540 North Street
Germantown, TN 38138
1130 West Poplar Avenue
Collierville, TN 38017
5810 Airline Road
Arlington, TN 38002

Here is a link to the story that was run in The Commercial Appeal.  It is so heartbreaking.    

Our friend Kellan turned 5 today.  She is the sweet little girl we met in our initial days at St. Jude and her mom and I have remained close since.  Today, on her birthday, she was admitted into the hospital with 104 fever.  Her mom can't be with her because she just had a baby less than a week ago.  My heart is broken for them as well. Then Kristie and Jerry, oh how I ache for them every single day.  Sometimes I literally cry myself to sleep as I try to imagine how they make it day to day. 

Saturday was a hard day for me.  Lucy just wasn't herself.  She vomited a couple of times and slept for more than 3 hours.  The vomiting and complaining of a headache was just more than I could take.  I sat by her side while she napped and literally pleaded with God.  I have told him that I do not want to ever live without Lucy.  I can't deal with helping my other children learn to live without a sister.  That's just more than I'm cut out for.  Everyone says I'm so strong, but oh, if they only knew.  I'm a wreck.  The fear that has come over me since then is unbearable.  I can hardly breathe.  I am scared.  

Erik reassures me that it is more than likely related to her shunt, as her last scans were clear.  I even saw them myself the other week.  There was no sign of disease.  But I know just how nasty and vicious this cancer is.  It only takes one cell. It can happen so quickly.  

Today was a much better day.  We had the traditional birthday lunch at my parents house for the birthday girl and then attended our next door neighbor's birthday afterwards.  Lucy didn't get sick any and played most of the day.  And while I want to be so excited about the good day she had, the bad day yesterday is freshly etched in my brain.  It's hard to ride this roller coaster.  Its never ending.  Every night I thank God for "one more day."  One more day with all three of my children.  

Tonight as I was rocking Jack to bed I leaned over and kissed his little lips and whispered "I love you."  I thought he was asleep so it surprised me when he replied "yes."  What a magical moment.  That child that I prayed for so fervently while I was away those 8 months knows that I love him.  God heard that prayer.  He answered that prayer.  And even more than that, Jack loves me too.  My baby boy loves me.  

After I put Jack to bed I tiptoed into where Ella was sleeping and I knelt down beside her to kiss her and pray over her and she rolled over and prayed with me.  As I held her I wept and she wept.  My sweet 8 year old plays the role of an adult in our house sometimes.  Many times I forget that she's just 8.  I told her tonight that I was honored to be her mother.  That God chose her to be Lucy's sister.  That God knew just what he was doing when  he molded our family into its shape.  No other child I know could do what Ella does.  And with such grace!  And while she is so strong, she's just 8.  

My faith is weak tonight, but I know God will renew my spirit somehow.  He always does. 

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