|found on Pinterest|
Each day continues to present its own set of challenges and hurdles. Each day also continues to present at least one blessing to be counted. I can't tell you how encouraged I was by the kind words that so many of you left. I didn't need to hear that I was allowed my grieving, but it was comforting to know that so many people understand. I didn't feel judgement and I really appreciate that. If my heart could be any more broken, it would have crumbled reading the many stories of your own burdens. This life is hard. It's often cruel and I spend many hours trying to make sense of it.
I won't say that living is easy right now. I think I cried no less than 5 times today. It often hits me without warning and many times in the most inappropriate settings (like at Walmart today buying diapers). I found the saying by Joseph Campbell a while ago on Pinterest. Today it really strikes a chord with me. I won't lie and say I'm there. Because honestly, I really hate the very thought. I know that I have to accept it and will receive such a blessing once I let go of this anger. But right now this is where I am. I'll work through it. I'll pray through it. God will get me through it. Besides, these people need me:
As I was cleaning up vomit at 1:00 this morning I began to think about something. When Lucy was in the hospital and was cared for by so many doctors and nurses I had basically one responsibility. That was providing love, care and protection for my daughter. The physical burden of "nursing" her fell on someone else. I think now the burden is so much heavier at home because it all falls on me. There is a huge responsibility in knowing that I am the one that has to be the doctor, nurse AND mother. Not to slight Erik. Wow! What a husband and father. This whole ship would fall apart without him. (and my parents, Erik's parents, family, friends....) I don't know where I'm really going with all of this, but talking (writing) through it seems to help my mind.
Thanks again for the words of encouragement. They were just what I needed.