It's Hard

3 weeks before diagnosis

I talked to my friend Kristie today.  Every time I do, I think I walk away with a big dose of "get it together."  Who am I to complain?  I haven't lost my child.  She is sitting in the living room right now.  I can walk in there and hold her, touch her, kiss her.  At night I go into her room no less than 3 times before morning and watch her breath.  I kiss her checks and whisper "I love you with all my heart."  I do this with Ella and Jack, too.  Kristie would never call me on it, but I bet she would love to say more than a mouth full to me about being a little more happy and less whiny.  But she wouldn't, because she is an awesome friend and a really, really good person.

And yes.  I do have my baby.  But its not the same child.  Most of her is the same.  But there are some things that are missing that serve as a daily reminder that her life may forever be different.  Erik tells me its ok to grieve.  I have a right to do it.  I did lose a child.  I lost the "old" Lucy.  On Feb 23rd, 2011 I lost the daughter that I had known for almost 5 years.  The little girl who just the week before could run, jump and play.  The daughter that worked so diligently in school and constantly proved to be at the top of her class.  I don't have that child now.  And I am spending a lot of time mourning that loss.  One year and almost 3 months later I can say that I am ready to grieve.  I did what I knew to do at first.  I prayed and am very thankful God took over my life.  I think he led my life for me.

The reality of it all has finally sunk in and at times its hard to paint a rosy picture of what our lives are like.  We ride an emotional roller coaster that no one can begin to understand.  I still feel like I am an outcast with my friends.  I find myself jealous of their children and what they have to look forward to.  But every day, I wake up and keep on going.  I have 2 wonderful, healthy children that need my full attention and love and Lucy needs me now more than ever.  Some days I just honestly worry I have nothing else to give.

But, life goes on and I know I will learn to adapt.  I already am I guess.  Everyone in our house is slowly getting used to this new life.  Time doesn't stand still and life doesn't stop.  My children are growing up and I refuse to let my doubt and fear get the most of me. We all have to move on and keep looking towards the future.  I refuse to live in the past for fear that I might miss the blessings of the future.

And, most importantly, these kiddos don't really seem too worse for wear!

Jack, for one, loves that Lucy is home a lot during the day.

Sweet Ella enjoys her time in the yard with our neighbors.

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