It's Still Hard

Sometimes I choose to forget.  Sometimes I simple ignore it and pretend like it's going to go away.  But it's there.  Life.  And it's still hard.  Everyday I smile and put on the best face that I can in public, but sometimes, things aren't always as they appear.  Life is hard post cancer.  It may never the same, actually.

The past few weeks I've allowed myself to get swept away in a false reality that things are hunky-dory around here.  I've thrown myself into several projects and have been spending a lot of time at the girls' school.  I've let things slip around the house and unfortunately for us, once you get behind its almost impossible to get caught back up.  I don't think it's that I've been skirting my responsibility, but rather that I've been fooling myself thinking that I can do it ALL.  Maybe at one point in my life I could.  Throw in a child with special needs and a 2 year old and the whole ballgame changes.

Lucy had a major meltdown at school today.  I think it was actually more of an anxiety attack.  I don't know what triggered it, nor would she tell me what got her so worked up.  All I know is that after talking with her teacher and the assistant, we still have a long ways to go at school.  Academically she is doing great, but there are so many social challenges that she struggling with.  PE is a major frustration and her lack of independence/mobility really hinders her ability to play with and make friends.

Erik and I had a long talk today and we have decided to regroup.  We are refocusing our priorities at home. We both want so desperately to grab hold of a normal life but we just aren't there right now.  There is still work to be done to try to rebuild our life after cancer.  Lucy needs more of our attention to help her get physically stronger and Ella needs more structure in her night time routines.  The last thing I need is for her to get behind at school.  She needs to be pushed in math and that just adds one more priority to the list.

I've decided to simplify our lives for a while.  No Pinterest experiments, no taking on extra volunteer projects and nothing extra at night unless its absolutely mandatory.  Life for us may be very regimented for a while, but its what we need.  It's what my children have to have.  I know Lucy is at a school where she can thrive and she is protected, and for that I am so very grateful.  We've just got to figure out how to help her be the best Lucy she can be, despite her limitations.  We are hunkering down and getting serious at our house.  We've got some major work to do and we are determined to succeed.

On a completely unrelated note, I have never been so proud of Ella than I was this morning.  I drove up to help Lucy maneuver school pictures and this is what I saw:

The little girl in the back ground is Ella praying at our school's See You At The Pole.  My precious girl is totally unashamed of her love for God.  And!  She can say a prayer that will humble you and melt your heart.  She is an awesome child.  All three of my children are.  They deserve more than I am giving them now.  I just have to figure out how to give more.    
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