|These three have it figured out.|
I have written a lot about prioritizing my life over the last few months. Over the past (almost) two years I have spoken about the perspective I have gained throughout Lucy's illness. Over the past two weeks I have had to really look at my life and what I am doing with my time. I guess what I am struggling with is trying to differentiate between what God wants me to do and what I want to do. And let me tell you, they are two totally different things.
I am so convicted tonight that God is pulling me in a different direction than where I am right now. My heart is so heavy with the feeling that I am busying myself with so many things that aren't bringing Him glory. For example, this blog. I have gotten so wrapped up in making sure that I blog just for the sake of blogging, instead of making sure that my posts are meaningful and with purpose. Don't get me wrong, some days its nice to just blow off steam and post super cute pictures of my super adorable kids. But after Lucy was diagnosed last year, God gave me a wonderful platform to share about His love and mercies. I never imagined in a million years that I would ever have the opportunity to share the gospel with so many people at once. And what I loved about it was that I didn't even have to think about it. Just by sharing Lucy's/our story many lives were touched. Have I totally lost that focus? Oh, I pray I haven't.
Is this topic one that many of you can relate to? Am I the only one who struggles with this? There ends up being a huge chasm between what I want my life to be and what it ends of being. I need to be about God. I need to be about serving Him and bringing glory to His name. I'm pretty darn sure that I am falling very short of this mark right now. I'll be real honest and admit right now that the past two weeks have not been my best. There are a handful of situations in which I'm pretty sure I was not a shining star for how a Christian should act. Sometimes my passion manifests itself in not so pretty ways.
I'm making a decision tonight to make my time matter. When my feet and hands are moving I want them to be used in a purposeful manner. Sometimes its hard. Like when I was taking Jack to 3 different doctors last week and must have yelled at him--oh, say 1500 times between the parking lot and doctor's office---only to be approached later by two different ladies (whom I know saw me in action) in the waiting room who have read this blog and have prayed for Lucy. I was mortified! Had they seen my lose my temper? Had they seen me throw the diaper bag in the van in sheer defeat? I felt this uncontrollable urge to apologize profusely.
I could get myself into a lot of trouble playing the Monday morning quarterback with my life so I'm going to stop right now. Tonight, Lucy read this to me:
This might not mean a lot to many of you, but to me this was nothing short of miraculous. Just 5 short months ago Lucy was so sick and so malnourished that her brain refused to perform even the simplest of tasks. Many days she couldn't even remember how to spell her name. But tonight...she read this! Praise God, Praise God!
In case anyone has forgotten, this is what Lucy looked like in May of this year:
This is Lucy now: