Silence


I've been quite lately.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say, but rather I haven't known how to say it.  I'm struggling.  Some days it's hard to even walk out of the house.  The weight of Lucy's current reality is hard.  I pray about it and I seek guidance but my fleshly desire to make things better only keeps me from ever finding peace.

Every day I try to figure out how to fix the situation.  Every day I wait until I pick Lucy up from school to find out if the day was good or bad.  Was she able to focus today?  Did she read today?  Did she cry 4 or 5 times?  The impending end-of-school has me beside myself.  Will she be ready for 1st grade?  Will a summer of tutoring get her up to speed?

And because I can't find the answers and I can't fix the problem, I keep moving.  Moving in 5 directions all at once.  Moving to the point of it all falling apart.  Staying still only allows my mind to fixate on the really crappy situation Lucy (and we) are in.  Please don't preach or judge.  I do realize how fortunate we are to have Lucy with us.  I know what a blessing it is that she is even alive.  It still doesn't change the fact that cancer stripped her of her independence, her freedom and her mind to a degree.  I will live with this for the rest of my life.  It is such a heavy elephant on my chest that I can hardly breathe sometimes.



Every night we read Ella and Lucy's devotional book, Jesus Calling for Children. This past week, there was one entry that really spoke to me.  It said "Sometimes when you try to be still, fears and worries creep into your mind.  The you start planning ways to avoid the things that scare you."

I couldn't have said it better.  Those sentences were written about me.  The problem is, I'm not sure how to stop.  How do I fix it?  So far, I'm failing miserably.

I want to say thank you for all the wonderfully positive comments that were left on this blog and my Facebook page about our TV spot.  We were honored to be apart of it but I have to admit that it was hard watching it being replayed.  I've cried a lot since they aired.  It's all a process, I know.  I'll eventually come to grips with our new reality, but right now its not easy.


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