My Role as a Mom

I started writing this post about a week ago.  I'm not sure why this has been on my mind so much lately or why this particular post was so hard for me to write.  From the time Ella was born I have fought attacks against my self worth.  How, as a stay at home mother, can I be fulfilled?  How can I watch my husband work so hard and me not contribute financially to our family?  I worked for hard for my degrees and for what??  Every time I feel as if I am finally content and happy at home I begin to long for work outside the home.  Why oh why do I struggle so much with this?  Does anyone else deal with these thoughts?

The post below is me talking through the realization that I will probably never work outside the home again.  At least not for a long, long time.  Accepting this is just a part of the healing process that goes along with Lucy's cancer.  As I've said before her cancer has such an all encompassing effect on our family and our future.  Somedays it's hard to even pretend to understand the whole picture.

I struggle with contentment.  I pray for it daily.  I fail daily and then pray again:

When I began writing on this blog over 5 years ago, there were about 10 people who read it. My sweet family and a few close friends were "very" interested in what my adorable little girls were doing.  After Lucy became sick I was amazed at how, almost over night, the number of people who were following Lucy's story seemed to multiply at an hourly rate.

Quite honestly, I was so engrossed in the minute by minute battle that Lucy was fighting that I really didn't realize just how many people were reading this.  Boy was I humbled when I figured it out!  I honestly believe with all my heart that God sent you all to this page to become prayer warriors for Lucy and our family.  I also believe with all my being that your prayers, and God's healing hand, were what saved Lucy's life.

I have prayed from the beginning of Lucy's fight that God would be glorified through this evil cancer.  I resolved myself to this at an early point and I think that allowed me to shed a burden of fear and anger so that I could stay renewed in my faith in God.  I have been blessed in so many ways hearing stories from so many people (most I've never met) who have drawn closer in their relationship with Christ through Lucy's struggles.  What a miracle in itself!

The only drawback of my life being an open book is that sometimes I feel as if I am living under a microscope.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.  Actually, I really don't mind and it doesn't bother me.  I carefully share the things that I want known on this blog and I proudly live my life the way I feel convicted.  The biggest downfall of living your life through the pages of a computer is that your life becomes easily criticized.

All that being said, I want you to look at this picture of Lucy.

While this picture literally makes me sick to my stomach, it also serves as a daily reminder that I worship and mighty, powerful, omnipotent God.   The little girl above was just days past death.  In fact, I honestly believe that she was dead in so many ways and YOUR prayers were heard.  And when she was brought back from the very brink of death, I vowed to never lose sight of what my job is.  I am her mother.  I am the one who nurtured and protected her for 9 months in my womb and I will do everything in my power  to protect her until she goes on to be with Jesus.  

I will do EVERYTHING I can to provide for her.  There are a lot of things I share on this blog and there are a lot of things that are just too personal for our family to share.  There are daily battles we fight and we know that there are a life time of struggles ahead of us.  Lucy has to be in a special school.  We pay for year round physical therapy.  Lucy needs specific extracurricular activities to challenge her mind and body.  

My husband is such a man of God and I am blessed to have him in my life.  He believes that our family is served best when I am home with my children.  In all honesty, I can't work outside the home because of the obligations I have to Lucy, much less my other two children.  I choose to believe that God gave me this blog as a way of sharing about Him and also providing a little extra income for my family.  It was a very hard decision to make when I signed on for advertising and sponsored posts.  I prayed about it and stewed over it for many weeks.  It was a decision that I did not take lightly.  

As a Mom of a child with special needs I have learned that my "job" is different that anything I ever dreamed it would be.  Any mom that cares for a special needs child wakes up to a monumental task every day.  Throw in a couple of extra children and the stakes are raised even higher.  There is always so much riding on daily decision concerning education, healthcare and socialization.  Before Lucy's illness I prided myself in my educational and professional endeavors.  I was driven by taking on the next project or working towards another degree.  My how things have changed.  

Having a child with special needs isn't easy.  It is a job that I was specially chosen for.  I consider it an honor and many times a blessing.  But the reality is that it is very demanding and very tiring.  But I won't quit.  I will do EVERYTHING in this world to give Lucy the absolute best opportunities and advantages to help her succeed in life.  I owe her nothing less.  I owe God nothing less.  

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