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So, obviously, it's been a pretty hard couple of weeks for me.
I want you all to know the following:
1. I already take medication. I am not embarrassed or ashamed and I do not think it makes me any less of a Christian.
2. I share my life on this blog as an act of honesty and accountability to myself and others. There are, unfortunately, too many parents suffering through similar situations as mine for me to be anything but completely upfront about life. What an injustice it would be for me to give anyone false hope or set forth unrealistic expectations .
3. I sincerely appreciate all the loving and compassionate comments you guys have left over the past few days. I'm in a valley but I'm climbing out. I am looking forward to finding a Christian counselor or psychologist to speak with.
Now, in an effort to try to appease my hurting heart I've been trying to better understand how I can feel so much faith one day and then feel utterly hopeless the next. I can say tonight that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I still don't have a clue. Other than the fact that I am human, I am full of sin and I was never made to be perfect.
I was able to pray today and it felt really nice. I couldn't find the words to pray for myself but I did pray for others. Today it proved to be true that giving really was better than receiving. I started thinking about how I often say that even if I can't pray God knows my heart. I wish I was more versed in the Bible to be able to find a vast array of verses to back this assertion. In my limited time I didn't find an arsenal, but more specifically a few verses that affirmed my Hope.
In Psalm 139:1-6 David pours out his heart and says " O Lord you have searched me and know me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up...you are acquainted in all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether." If this doesn't speak of a promise that God knows your heart I don't know what does. Surely the God that knows your thoughts surely knows your heart.
As I was reading I found something written by the great Oswald Chambers in the book My Utmost for His Highest. (In the recesses of my tired brain my grammar degree is telling me that I need to italicize or underline or something....) He wrote this:
"The goal of faithfulness is not that we will do work for God, but that He will be free to do His work through us. God calls us to His service and places tremendous responsibilities on us."
Ok, I get that. I totally believe that. I'm actually ok with that. It's the whole refiners fire thing. Some days I'm actually excited about what God is doing in and through my life. Most days I pray that God will use me. And then....here comes the kick in the butt. Chambers says,
"He expects no complaining on our part and offers no explanation on His part. God wants to use us as He used His own Son."
Wow. That's a hard pill to swallow. You mean I don't really get a say so in all this after all? And seriously? I'm not supposed to complain. Someone must have read that wrong. Surely there was a misinterpretation, right? Don't get like a vacation day or something?
This is the part of the story where I struggle most. How in our flesh are we to go through life without complaining? Not even the smallest whine? While this is obviously a nearly impossible task it sure gives us something to live up to. Its probably an unattainable goal but one that will bring so many blessings in the end.
We pray through the Holy Spirit and He will speak for us when we can't find the words on our own. I am thankful tonight for the promises of the Bible and how God brings me peace in even the worst storms.
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