Today I had to have Lucy's cat put to sleep. It was one of the hardest things I've done. Sunny, Lucy's cat of 18 months, was attacked by another cat and developed a really bad infection. By the time we got him to the vet he was running a 106.1 temperature and was too far gone. I know I made the merciful decision to put him down but it was agonizing none the less. I was shaken.
The cat had a sustained high fever, was starting to have seizures and had probably already suffered brain damage. It all just hit too close to home. Through this cat I was relieving the darkest, most painful time of Lucy's whole battle against cancer. At one point in my life I was willing to let Lucy go. I only wanted her suffering to stop.
I spoke those words again today. But this time it was for real. There was no Lazarus moment. Emotions from a depth I haven't visited in a long time resurfaced and I was forced to deal with them in a 10x10 clinic office.
Some days are hard still. Really, really hard.