This is Dr. Boop. The man God chose to save my daughter's life.
Wow. Where do I start? It's been such a long time since I've written or updated on Lucy. I am not even sure where to begin. First, let me update on Lucy. At the beginning of February I wrote about Lucy having tubes put into her ears. She was having a lot of hearing problems and we thought that this was going to be the answer. Immediately when she woke up from surgery she could hear-almost perfectly. We were amazed and ecstatic. However, within three days she was back in her hearing aids.
Fast forward a month and a few doctor visits later and we are fairly sure that the hearing loss she is experiencing is going to be permanent. High dose radiation left irreversible damage that she will just have to live with forever. I am extremely thankful for hearing aids and with them she can hear almost perfectly. While I am thankful for the aids I am still having a hard time with this one. Honestly, its just one more reminder that she is different. One more reminder that cancer tried to kill her.
To be perfectly frank, I'm struggling with a lot right now. Erik says its because I have been studying the Bible and the devil is working on me. I think he's right, but I also think it's a little more than that. I don't say this lightly, but I feel as if I have PTSD. I'd love to know how many other cancer moms feel this way.
I miss the perfectly healthy child that I took for granted for 5 years. I leave sporting events angry that thousands of children can run and play. A part of me dies every time I watch Lucy struggle through a social encounter. My heart literally aches as I see her fighting through the challenges that learning poses every single day. Yesterday as we left the soccer field I cried off and on for the rest of the day.
Most day I walk around in a fog, hardly remembering a moment of the day before. For example, I had to call the school the other day to find out why I was charged an amount on my account. Apparently it was for Jack's preschool registration for next year. I was mortified when she told me that I had turned in his application the week before. I don't even have a single memory of filling out the 6 page application.
So...yeah. I'm pretty much a hot mess right now. I think part of my PTSD involves this blog. For more than two years I poured my heart and soul onto these pages. This was my safe place--the place where my fears found words. Now, I can't even find the words to write. My brain stays so tired that I can hardly put a sentence together, much less write a fluent post. I can't even keep extended eye contact with people when we talk. Seriously, it's a real issue. I have a college degree in communications and have lost all ability to carry on conversations.
I know that God chose my family for this battle and He equipped us with all the tools for fighting that we needed during the battlet. I just wonder when the war ceases. Because right now it seems like every day is still a struggle. I didn't mean for this to end up as a pity-party but I needed to be honest.
Ella and Jack continue to thrive and I couldn't love them more. I am trying to respect Ella's privacy a little more as she is starting to become such a lovely young lady. We haven't really talked about it but I'm sure she's becoming a little more sensitive to my telling her business all over the internet. I will just say that she's just a ray of sunshine everyday and so full of life. She is making all A's and excelling in so many extra curricular things. She's got one of the lead roles in the church spring musical and she's playing club soccer.
Jack--woah. What can I say? This precious boy---he is everything I ever dreamed a little boy would be. He is wild, adventurous, passionate and super loving. I get a least 5 million kisses a day. I absolutely love this child.
Thanks for hanging with our family (and me). As I am finding out, Lucy's cancer diagnosis is something we all deal with every day. Some days are good. Some days are bad. Some days just suck. But we keep on moving and fighting. One day at a time.